"Slipping Through My Fingers"

This morning was like many other mornings at my house. I woke up at the same time, wandered around the house, made my hot tea, and then went upstairs to wake up my 11 year old daughter Juliet. Through our sleepy eyes we did our morning exercises together. We laughed when we bumped arms into each other and giggled at our awkwardness. This girl is such a joy!

After breakfast, and after she and her 6 year old brother Dylan were ready for school, I loaded them up in the car and took them to the bus stop. After a tight hug and sloppy kiss, Dylan ran to the bus with the same burst of energy that drives him every day. He stomped all over the worms that were scattered out on the road due to the early morning spring rain. Juliet took a bit more time to walk to the bus. Her long curly golden blonde hair drifted over her face as she looked back and me and smiled.

I let out a long sigh of relief and gratitude that she looked back. It does not happen that often anymore. Her life does not revolve around mine anymore. Her absolute adoration for me has now been replaced with friends, boy crushes, and dreams for her future. Oh, I know that she still loves me, but it is not the same.

My love for Juliet has never changed. With each step she takes, I know she needs me less and less, but that does not mean that my love has wavered. In some ways I think I appreciate her even more. These days are quickly slipping through my fingers. I am trying to hold tight, but I cannot stop the hands of time no matter how hard I try. As each chapter ends a new one begins. This chapter is full of fun things: girl movies, make-up, and shopping. But I can’t help to flip back through the pages of the last chapter and feel a sense of longing and regret. Did I realize how special each day was? Did I hold her enough? Read to her enough? Did I stop housework to listen to her special little stories enough?  Did I do enough to place her on the path to the person she is supposed to be?

I hope she and I can continue to grow a bond that time cannot take away. May my life weave through her, so that long after I’m gone – she and I will still be a special pair, and may she look back at these days with even a fraction of the fondness that I have for them. Yes, I see her slipping through my fingers. I feel her emotionally growing away from us, and looking forward to the person she is going to become. I have full faith that person will take good care of her. Until that time, I hope that I can continue to focus on the grains of her childhood remaining in my hands, rather than focusing on the ones slipping through my fingers and blowing gently away, forever gone, in the wind. 

Betsy

A Decade of Blessings

10 years ago I became a mommy. While other kids were making plans to become Doctors, and Lawyers, policemen, and firefighters, all I wanted to do was have a family. I was far too old to play with dolls, yet cuddling and nurturing a toy gave me a glimpse into the future I so desperately wanted.
The road to become a mommy was not simple. There was infertility and loss. I did everything right, yet seemed unable to have a baby. I made the painful conscious decision that if I were not blessed by having a baby of my own, I would make it my mission to be the best aunt, cousin, etc. to the children in my life. Not soon after making the proclamation to myself, I became pregnant... and stayed pregnant, and had my baby girl. The baby girl for whom I had dreamed of since I was old enough to dream.

Now, Juliet Kramer was not born the sweet, kind, and happy girl that you would see in her today. She came into the world with drama (I had pre-eclampsia with her and had to deliver her early), and she made her presence VERY known during the first three months of her life, as she had one massive case of colic that rendered her screaming for hours upon hours upon hours... and so on, and so on, and so on. I cannot believe that her vocal chords, and our dwindling patience, could handle such screaming.

During this time, we burned out 2 vacuum cleaners. It seemed the best thing to calm her was to turn on the vaccum cleaner; so if you had popped by our home during that time, you would find bleary eyed parents, watching closed caption television, and listening to a blaring vacuum cleaner running yet parked in the corner.

Those months are but a brief memory, and her addition to our life is irreplaceable. When we had Dylan nearly five years ago, I realized what completion felt like. Looking at perfection in my arms, my heart felt full, nearly overflowing.

Happiness and contentment for me is being a Mom. Knowing that someday my kids will look to me at where the bar should be raised as a parent is a huge responsibility; and one I do not take lightly. I make mistakes daily, and I wish I knew all the answers and pray that someday they will use my mistakes as lessons for themselves. I know there will be rough days ahead, but I am so grateful for every last day that has been behind us.

The bad moments don't even compare to the blessings that being parents have brought to our lives. Thank you, God, for giving us these two beautiful blessings to take care of for you. Now I just pray you stand by our side even closer as we approach the TEEN YEARS!!