Monday, October 19, 2009

What is my cancer?

Yesterday I had the amazing opportunity to listen to Kris Carr, from "Crazy Sexy Cancer" speak at Geisinger Medical Center. Kris was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 6 years ago. She probably will never be cured from cancer, yet she considers herself a survivor.

What is a survivor? According to: it is "one who lives through affliction." It is not living despite affliction, and it is not living after the affliction is cured. It is living through the affliction while it may be ever present.

Kris asked us what our personal cancer was. I ran through all my ailments which paralyze me from time to time. I am not a patient of the hospital, but I wear a gown of fear. Kris was talking directly to me it seemed and in that moment, I think I finally got it. All this time I wanted to be cured from my afflictions: self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness, debt, and countless others... yet the cure was not the key to overcoming these obstacles. I need to live through them, allow those things to make me better; use my ailments as my teacher.

The light-bulb glowed so brightly above me, I am quite sure those around had to have seen! My life is not just starting gate and finish line. It is all the twists and turns along the way, and if I don't hold onto the steering wheel and enjoy the ride, I will spend so much time trying to look ahead to see where life is going next, that I'll forget to look out the window on my right and left side and see all I have right in this moment.

Today is a new day and I am still not perfect. Rather than spending the day doing an imperfect inventory on myself, I am going to embrace my flaws and persevere. If I did everything perfect all the time, what fun would that be? right?

Untying my gown of fear and putting on my big girl pants! Who's next??


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